daMn, All iN a dIAs trabajo

My mind just ran through 16 thoughts at one time. You think I am exaggerating but I am completely serious. It’s not normal to wake up at 6am, dress up in extremely provocative clothes to go to school, clean the entire house, do all the laundry, go to the library, go out for a dinner date, run four miles, go to target, talk to the boy for an hour, study more, have sex, text seven people in the span of three minutes, AND be up still at 4am. I just remembered a reoccurring thought. It is always a fleeting thought, but I am often reminded of it. I think I am going to be the next Virgin Mary. I KNOW it’s not even physically possible because I am not a virgin. And it is by no means logical. Yet somehow I still believe that it will happen. People don’t DO these things. People don’t THINK like I am right now. And even though I should want to be asleep, I am ecstatic that I am….mANic!

pick your poison

For those of you who want to know and even for those of you that do not, I will inform you that I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past five years. Eating disorders are commonly very secretive. Most of these people will do anything to hide their symptoms. It is a very shameful disease, and often talked about in disgraceful terms. I once told my mom I would rather smoke than throw up. She approved and stated that although she would not condone me smoking, she would rather I smoke if it meant I would not throw up. Looking back on this discussion, I ask myself WHY? Why is one coping mechanism more socially acceptable then another? Why does society have more negative associations with purging food then with smoking tobacco?

It boggles my mind that we treat each vice differently, when the consequences of both are obviously unhealthy. Both can cause heart and lung conditions. Smoking can cause cancer of all sorts. Eating disorders can cause ulcers, digestive problems, heart failure, and a variety of medical issues. BOTH can lead to early death. Yet one is treated as only mildly disconcerting (smoking). When a person is seen smoking, people often ignore them. We have been trained to disregard this occurrence. Purging, on the other hand, is rarely ever acceptable. If we catch our friend throwing up after a meal, we automatically want to correct the behavior. We find it WRONG. But why? Why are two similarly unhealthy choices treated so differently?

A vice is, a vice, is a vice! Whether I choose to smoke, gamble, steal, cheat, or barf, I am making an unhealthy lifestyle choice. All scenarios are unlikely a good solution to the problems that they mask. And I hope that no mother, friend, lover, nor society as a whole ever turn their eye to such issues. I make a conscious decision to not treat any of them as acceptable! I wish my mother would have told me the same.

Could it be?

You thought you'd get to me,
With your pretty smile,
And your charming air.

But I can see,
That inner child,
With it's withered hair.

I know you are secretly,
Hiding the devil,
Behind that ugly stare!

But two can play this game
Because I am a female version of evil,
And there are certain people I do not spare!

I Will Not Sacrifice

I will not sacrifice
The parts of me
That make me who I am
Or who I want to be.

I will state my beliefs,
I will scream and shout,
Tell you with frustration in my eyes,
All that I am about.

And don't think for a minute
That I will compromise,
Because you are convinced
That you're the one who's wise.

Curse you
For loving me at night
And not even thinking
To love me when it's light.

I need to love
The person inside of me
And if that means giving you up,
That's the way it's going to be.

karma, YES or NO?

Do I believe in KARMA? : No



I must note that I am epileptic. Two nights prior to the following incident, I had had another seizure. It is state law in Minnesota that anyone who has a seizure must refrain from driving until they have been seizure free for six months.


Did I wait six months to drive?: No



I had already begged my parents to let me drive two months before the required six. They gave in, after I promised to be responsible: only use my car for work, never drive past eight in the evening, so on and so forth. My father made me swear to obey by these rules, and told me some rubbish about how he has always trusted me and that he could never trust me the same if I went against these limitations.



Did I follow my promise: No



I drove my car for one week, only one friggin' week before I had another seizure. I was back to square one: waiting six months to drive again. I refrained from telling my parents immediately. I mean, what would be the harm of driving one more day? Except one more day turned into two more days and one more night. I was determined to go to my friends concert and I had only one way of getting there. Driving!



Did I feel guilty: No



I drove. I drank. Walked to the after party. Got hammered. Had someone drive me to a safe place to crash. Crashed. Had same someone drive me back to my car the next morning. Made a huge judgment error...parked my car at a meter. Waiting for me when I returned to my vehicle was nothing better then a parking ticket.



Did I get upset: No



I had no choice but to accept it. I had made the choice to get so intoxicated that I forgot the simple fact that my car was parked at a meter. Actually, I was so drunk that I even sold my drivers license to a girl at the concert. Wow. The things I do when I am drunk. But the story doesn't end there. Within five minutes of getting a parking ticket, I got in my car, started driving home, and got pulled over for speeding.



Is the story over yet?: No



When I reached over to my purse to get my ID, the previous night's events became aware to me. The officer took no pity on me, handed me two more tickets and told me to leave. Well no shit Sherlock. It's not like I was hoping to camp out and chit chat with the officer that just dealt me a $100 fine. I looked down and compared the tickets. The parking violation and the speeding ticket were recorded as less then three minutes apart. I didn't think that was even possible. At that point I decided I was ready to give the car back to mom and dad. The question I'm sure you are dying for me to answer is:



Do I believe in karma YET?: No



I think the definition of karma is something like: what goes around comes around. Well I've never even thought of giving someone a driving violation, therefore it is not because of karma that this happened! I've concluded that sometimes I get away with a lot of mischievous things, and other times I get totally busted. I think the word to describe that is: LIFE.

Its About Time

I am Lauren. I am sick, in more ways then one. For 21 years I convinced myself that I had my issues under control. What I discovered is that this seems to be the societal norm: to swallow your problems, to ignore your imperfections, and to keep walking forward without a mention of the previous. I have decided something. I will no longer do the aforementioned. To stuff my issues, is a death wish.

Crest White Strips. Story of my life. I do absolutely nothing to take care of myself, especially that of my physical or mental health. Then I slap on a white strip to do a quick fix. Act as if all the harm I did never happened. Half an hour later I have perfectly sparkling teeth… or so it seems, until tomorrow when I again find myself slapping on just ‘one more strip’ because I chose to drink seven cups of coffee before noon.

Its about time that I turn this around. I should have said: "Crest White Strips. Story of my life up until this point." I am ready to turn it around, my life that is...not the crest strip because I feel like that might be toxic somehow! I cannot guarantee that I won't use crest strips ever again but I am ready to admit that I have a problem. The excessive use of products like this tells me that I have a serious problem accepting myself without these body modifiers. I want to love myself not the product in my hair or the makeup on my face. Unfortunately with having Bi polar disorder comes a lack of self respect. Actually, what can come with it is a complete disgust for ones self. I am a prime example. With history of an eating disorder and something people like to call "tanorexia," I have shown many signs of dislike for what I was born with. Yet, as stated above I am willing and ready to change this disgust. It will take time, but luckily that's what me and my therapist have plenty of!